Surreal

I got up in front of a bunch of perfect strangers today and told my whole life story in just under an hour. Afterwards a man came up to me and told me that my story had helped him, as he was experiencing many of the same things that i did. It was odd to discover that someone else out there in the real world is going through or has gone through some of the same things that i did. It made feel connected in a way that i never have before....It never occurred to me that at the same moment somewhere in the world somebody was looking in the mirror at themselves and trying to make the same decisions that i was, having the same exact emotion, and asking the same exact questions.....until today i had always felt that i was alone in those small moments, nothing but a drop of water in an endless ocean.

Later in the day i went to the store and bought myself a new pair of shoes. I didn't need them but i have been looking at them off and on for a few months, they lowered the price on them and i figured what the hell...When i put them on, i thought they looked kind of silly but they made me feel like a kid again.....i wore them all day until my wife got home and asked me what was i wearing on my feet, and then i just felt stupid.

She works hard and we take her for granted most of the time around the house so i wanted to be nice. When i was at the store, i picked her up some junk food, made dinner, did the dishes, bought kitty litter and changed the cat box, and folded and put away the laundry that she washed and dried. She really hurt my feeling by making a big deal out of it by walking around the house pretending to have a heart attack and actually marking it down on the calendar. Why is it the people we love the most seem to be able to hurt us like no one else?

I rented a movie called Mr. Brooks...and while I'm not a big Kevin Costner fan i have to say that this is quite possibly his best movie role since Dances with Wolves. The plot is a bit convoluted and wonderfully twisted, I had to watch it twice, as it made me smile.

I have felt very strange and energized most of the day but not so much as i do now alone in the dark in front of this screen watching TV by myself and typing....

I'm going to eat some gumbo now....

Later...

Once Again...

Once again I'm the asshole.......My wife and i had a huge argument yet again today....

Her dad died a few months back, she is having a very hard time dealing with his passing...in fact she won't seem to get passed the denial stage. Everything around here has gone to hell, the family is barely hanging on by a thread. This morning after not acknowledging me for almost two weeks invited me to get into the shower with her, i wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot as lately this is a very big deal. As we finished actually getting clean she asked me if i wanted shower nookie. Now keep in mind this means a quickie while standing up in the shower....i should have just taken it and shut up, but i didn't i turned it down as i wanted something more meaningful and less cheap. I have tried in vain our whole marriage to explain what sex means to me, but she just refuses to get it, or simply does not believe me. I can't speak for other men just myself, but sex for me is a way to connect on more than just a physical level...for me all of my emotions are tied up in the act, for me its a way to tell her that i find her attractive,that she is the hottest and most ardent woman on the planet, that at this very moment nothing in this world or any other world is more important than she is, that at this moment we are sharing something together in a way that no two other people can, that its just us away from everybody and everything, no bills, no kids, no work, just us. I always make sure she has a couple of orgasms before i even attempt to get one myself. Part of that is for selfish reasons, as it makes me feel powerful and important, but for the most part it is for her. In fact quite often, i could give her several orgasms, and be satisfied, and not have to get one myself. No one but me has any idea how beautiful and how amazing she is in the midst of letting everything go, i miss that more than anything....

It all comes down to what kind of people we are i guess....If my dad had died i would want to celebrate life and live every moment for all it was worth. She has simply given up on everything, and finds joy in nothing especially me and our relationship. Its like being married to your imaginary playmate.....its all one sided, and apparently wanting to take part in my own marriage makes me a selfish asshole. Sure this is all one sided your only getting my side of the story, but this is my blog and this is how i feel. I try to explain it to her and try to make her understand that these are my feelings ....if they are true or not!..... it is how i feel. She can't or won't wrap her head around it. To her I'm just some jackass that gets mad and stomps around like a small child when i don't get what i want. Its not about getting what i want, its a bout getting what i need to make it through life day to day. I need validation that I'm important, i need to feel loved and needed, i need to feel that she actually wants me around......and right now i don't get any of that....I'm just some guy who lives here and pays bills....what is the point of being married if we don't act or behave or spend time like other married couples? If i leave I'm an asshole.....with no emotion or feelings or understanding. If i stay I'm a lonely twisted shell of my former self.....I'm almost 40 and I'm scared that one day i will wake up and realize that i wasted what little time i have left waiting for her to realize that she has a life, and people that care for her, and people that need her. What hurts more than anything is that I can't help her at all in any way shape or form...i just seem to make things worse. All my joy is gone.....

She is not the only one having a hard time dealing with life....and until recently she was my therapy, and no i have no one and nothing to turn to, but I'm an insensitive asshole if i tell her that

My life really sucks.....

And for the first time in my adult life i really have no idea what to do next.

Later...

Sad but True...

Came across this on the web thought it was too humorous not to re-post, as well as so freaking true...

Later...

Life Continues to Suck...

Well I started training in a new area at work...I go in later and come home later...which means i get to bed later and wake up later than i used to. My wife and I work opposite shifts and between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. during the week is the ONLY time we get to spend together. Unfortunately that's also the time she does most of her errands and crap as she works weekends and has the kids everyday after 3:00 p.m. and running errands with two children who don't want to be there running errands is a major pain in the ass...I get it. Now we both have things that need to be done....the difference is a push mine off till the weekends and even then if i can't get them done while she is at work, i do them at night after everyone else has gone to bed. I fear that this dual mode life is putting a undue amount of strain on our already fragile relationship. I'm tired of begging for her time and attention and in her own words..."I'm not high on her list of priorities" I'm almost 40 and i should not have to compete with the TV, the computer, and erroneous errands. Every time I want to have sex its always an excuse of some sort. Her dad just died a few months back too soon and very unexpectedly. She is obviously depressed and she has given up on a great many things, I am now depressed because she is depressed and it does not make for a good combination. She has no joy in her life thus i have no joy in mine...it has become very tedious to get out of bed each day and go to a job i hate. What is the point in working hard and paying bills when i have nothing to show for it other than bills? I love her very much, but i'm very tired of seemingly being the only one who is trying....throw an insane angry teenager daughter into the mix who hates everybody and everything in her life (especially me apparently) and i can't win....she always takes her daughters side no matter what, i'm always the asshole, i'm always the bad guy, i'm always the one that is wrong.....

we don't talk about the future much anymore, in fact we don't much of anything but pass each other and argue, i cry in the shower, i cry on the way to work, i'm crying now....

Tired and uninspired
as of late
i frequently contemplate my navel
and its many virtues

recently i was
warned to remember
time flies
and Death comes to visit us all

One of the many reasons
not to take life seriously
or maybe a reason to fight
who knows
certainly not me

Love laugh
and be happy

somebody should...

I feel alone in the universe...unwanted...unloved....and not needed
no one should feel this way ever....

don't know why i bother other than to keep track of my thoughts and vent since no one else listens, no one reads, and no one cares....

Later...

Shitty Weekend...

You ever have one of those days, or weeks where you don't feel like you are a part of your own life? I'm sitting here watching cheesy movies on TV and i look around and wonder who this guy is and how he got here, it's almost like I'm sitting next to myself watching myself perform this mechanical set or pre-programmed actions and wondering what the fuck? I hate me job, I have to beg my wife for sex, my children seem to hate my guts, they remind me on a daily basis that I'm not their real father in the most vicious and horrible ways. Overall nobody seems to give a shit if I'm here at all. I feel invisible most of the time, like a piece of furniture that no one notices unless it's in the way or needs dusting (or in my case when they want to blame somebody or something for the crap in their little world that goes wrong) No one listens to anything that comes out of my mouth, i talk but no one hears the words. I can't talk to my wife at all, when i try she negates all of my feelings and makes feel stupid for even opening my mouth. I can't talk to my dad he has given up on life and relishes the pre-programmed routines he lives to work because there he is needed and wanted at least. I can't talk to my Mother she she has been lost in her own little world for many many years and keeping herself somewhat sane with her little craft and home projects. My brother has crawled into the bottle to deal with his demons, and i don't think he will ever crawl out. I used to have things that would take way the pain...My writing, my music, my wife, my snakes, my art, but none of those things work anymore....i eat all the time now and get disgusted with myself when i look in the mirror, which only adds to my unhappiness. I feel completely alone in a world surrounded by people. Its almost like there are two worlds that overlap one another and I'm trapped in one and everyone else is in the other, and i can see then, i can hear them but they can't see or hear me. I used to think that most people were cattle just going along but now i think that it is me that has died somewhere inside and the only spark of me that is left is trapped in a cage buried deep deep inside someplace.

Stevie said sometimes life is a bitch and sometimes it a breeze

well tonight its a bitch from hell...

Later...