Once Again...

Once again I'm the asshole.......My wife and i had a huge argument yet again today....

Her dad died a few months back, she is having a very hard time dealing with his passing...in fact she won't seem to get passed the denial stage. Everything around here has gone to hell, the family is barely hanging on by a thread. This morning after not acknowledging me for almost two weeks invited me to get into the shower with her, i wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot as lately this is a very big deal. As we finished actually getting clean she asked me if i wanted shower nookie. Now keep in mind this means a quickie while standing up in the shower....i should have just taken it and shut up, but i didn't i turned it down as i wanted something more meaningful and less cheap. I have tried in vain our whole marriage to explain what sex means to me, but she just refuses to get it, or simply does not believe me. I can't speak for other men just myself, but sex for me is a way to connect on more than just a physical level...for me all of my emotions are tied up in the act, for me its a way to tell her that i find her attractive,that she is the hottest and most ardent woman on the planet, that at this very moment nothing in this world or any other world is more important than she is, that at this moment we are sharing something together in a way that no two other people can, that its just us away from everybody and everything, no bills, no kids, no work, just us. I always make sure she has a couple of orgasms before i even attempt to get one myself. Part of that is for selfish reasons, as it makes me feel powerful and important, but for the most part it is for her. In fact quite often, i could give her several orgasms, and be satisfied, and not have to get one myself. No one but me has any idea how beautiful and how amazing she is in the midst of letting everything go, i miss that more than anything....

It all comes down to what kind of people we are i guess....If my dad had died i would want to celebrate life and live every moment for all it was worth. She has simply given up on everything, and finds joy in nothing especially me and our relationship. Its like being married to your imaginary playmate.....its all one sided, and apparently wanting to take part in my own marriage makes me a selfish asshole. Sure this is all one sided your only getting my side of the story, but this is my blog and this is how i feel. I try to explain it to her and try to make her understand that these are my feelings ....if they are true or not!..... it is how i feel. She can't or won't wrap her head around it. To her I'm just some jackass that gets mad and stomps around like a small child when i don't get what i want. Its not about getting what i want, its a bout getting what i need to make it through life day to day. I need validation that I'm important, i need to feel loved and needed, i need to feel that she actually wants me around......and right now i don't get any of that....I'm just some guy who lives here and pays bills....what is the point of being married if we don't act or behave or spend time like other married couples? If i leave I'm an asshole.....with no emotion or feelings or understanding. If i stay I'm a lonely twisted shell of my former self.....I'm almost 40 and I'm scared that one day i will wake up and realize that i wasted what little time i have left waiting for her to realize that she has a life, and people that care for her, and people that need her. What hurts more than anything is that I can't help her at all in any way shape or form...i just seem to make things worse. All my joy is gone.....

She is not the only one having a hard time dealing with life....and until recently she was my therapy, and no i have no one and nothing to turn to, but I'm an insensitive asshole if i tell her that

My life really sucks.....

And for the first time in my adult life i really have no idea what to do next.

Later...