Shitty Weekend...

You ever have one of those days, or weeks where you don't feel like you are a part of your own life? I'm sitting here watching cheesy movies on TV and i look around and wonder who this guy is and how he got here, it's almost like I'm sitting next to myself watching myself perform this mechanical set or pre-programmed actions and wondering what the fuck? I hate me job, I have to beg my wife for sex, my children seem to hate my guts, they remind me on a daily basis that I'm not their real father in the most vicious and horrible ways. Overall nobody seems to give a shit if I'm here at all. I feel invisible most of the time, like a piece of furniture that no one notices unless it's in the way or needs dusting (or in my case when they want to blame somebody or something for the crap in their little world that goes wrong) No one listens to anything that comes out of my mouth, i talk but no one hears the words. I can't talk to my wife at all, when i try she negates all of my feelings and makes feel stupid for even opening my mouth. I can't talk to my dad he has given up on life and relishes the pre-programmed routines he lives to work because there he is needed and wanted at least. I can't talk to my Mother she she has been lost in her own little world for many many years and keeping herself somewhat sane with her little craft and home projects. My brother has crawled into the bottle to deal with his demons, and i don't think he will ever crawl out. I used to have things that would take way the pain...My writing, my music, my wife, my snakes, my art, but none of those things work anymore....i eat all the time now and get disgusted with myself when i look in the mirror, which only adds to my unhappiness. I feel completely alone in a world surrounded by people. Its almost like there are two worlds that overlap one another and I'm trapped in one and everyone else is in the other, and i can see then, i can hear them but they can't see or hear me. I used to think that most people were cattle just going along but now i think that it is me that has died somewhere inside and the only spark of me that is left is trapped in a cage buried deep deep inside someplace.

Stevie said sometimes life is a bitch and sometimes it a breeze

well tonight its a bitch from hell...

Later...