At it again

My Daughter has been gone the last two weeks to visit her grandmother and give us all some breathing room. Those two weeks were pretty damn good, quiet peaceful not perfect but good. My son and i spent some good quality time together playing games watching movies, shooting his BB gun, and working in the snake room etc. She has been home exactly one day and everybody in the house is bent out of shape. My Son now complains of headaches and won't sleep, my wife is on edge and once again if the goddamn universe doesn't revolve around her everybody has to be punished for it. Its not all her fault to be fair but she pushes every goddamn button we all have. My wife takes the biggest beating as she is the one everybody attacks and gives shit to, as she tries to placate everyone and hold it all together when no one else wants it to work. My daughter went and bought a cell phone today and because we couldn't get it to work properly (keep in mind it is Sunday and we registered it on line) she has to go off on everyone in the house. Now i realize i'm being selfish (not) but all i wanted was a fucking hour of time at some point this weekend to have a little one on one adult time with the wife. But she is so stressed, tired, and so worn out and drained from all the bullshit that she has nothing left for me which means sex NEVER EVER happens anymore which makes me Oh so Happy.......And when i do manage to get a little time it is usually quick, hurried, chaotic, rushed and on the whole emotionally unsatisfying or as she puts it "it's work its a job" So we fight which make it oh so much better. I'm told to communicate my feelings but when i do i get yelled at for being a selfish prick, and when i don't I'm an asshole for not trying......

We work different shifts so we pass each other all week.....we get about 40 minutes a week together in 10 minute increments, until the weekend gets here.....so when Saturday rolls around i'm ready as i have been waiting for this all week, in fact i have built it up to the point that it is all I'm looking forward to and i think of nothing else. Then guess what happens? NOTHING as she has already made plans for the entire fucking weekend that don't involve.....yep you guessed it "No Sex"

I'm not in it for the orgasm or the physical release alone, if that's all i wanted i would just jerk off. I want the closeness and the emotional contact that comes with a prolonged session with the wife, not a "Pity Quickie"

As of late i feel dead and cold inside...or I'm an emotional wreck no in-between at all

I don't want to fight but i feel like i have to...if i do I'm an ass if i don't i'm a jerk

Lost, blind, empty, used up, secrets thought i swallow and hide

but i'm just an asshole that is supposed to sit and the corner not participate in his own life and graciously accept the scraps that are thrown my way with a smile...

I'm almost 40 i don't want to start over but i can't continue to feel like this anymore

no one should feel useless, and unloved and unwanted but i do, and i don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get back to where i was, where we were when we were happy, I'm not sure we can, I'm not sure we are even the same people

for now i'm a leaf blowing where the winds takes me...

My dad called yesterday to talk about a job opportunity in Washington state which started huge drama once again in the house.....I may go even if they don't

Listening to Danzig which she hates but his music reflects my mood and it helped me through some pretty dark times in the past....

I think about suicide a lot these days...

I'm ranting and i need to throw up....

Later...

Bullshit!

Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.
She was also placed on 36 months probation, is required to complete an 18-month alcohol education program, pay hundreds of dollars in fines and must complete a three-day county coroner program in which she'll visit a morgue and talk to victims of drunken drivers and view dead bodies.

"She's getting what everyone else would get," Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers said after an hour long hearing in Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge H. Chester Horn Jr.'s courtroom. Terms of the plea bargain were worked out in chambers.

Lohan was charged earlier in the day with seven misdemeanors stemming from two drunken-driving arrests in the last four months.

Not to mention Nicole Ritchie serves a whopping 82 minutes on her sentence.....

had this been me i would have served 120 days in jail had my license taken away not to mention a hefty fine as well as community service and several years of probation

treated like everyone else my ass!!!

somebody got sucked, fucked, bribed, or all of the above!!

Life in General

I have never really understood why people get so bent out of shape over two things......religion and politics. Truth is all politicians are full of crap, they all sell out to some degree, they have to simply to get elected. We all need to focus on the overall basic "tenants" of the "belief" system of a particular party and not the particular skeletons in the closet of a particular candidate...ah if only it were that simple...lol As far as religion goes, very little in any organized religion or faith is truly original. Religions and faiths are not born from scratch. They grow and feed from one another. Modern religions are a Hodgepodge and a myriad collage of assimilated history. Simply stated religion or faith is a way for mankind to understand or feel closer to the divine. Every major christian holiday is stolen from various pagan traditions. and yet wars have been waged for thousands of years in the name of one god or another....

When I was a kid my grandfather always said life would get easier as i got older and i came to understand the world around me and my place in it. Well Grandpa, you were full of shit...i would love to go back to a time when the only thing i lived for was to play outside with my friends, to feel the sun on my face, my bicycle underneath me, and my dog at my side. To a time when i could leave the house at the ass crack of dawn and as long as i was home before the street lights came on i was golden and nobody worried. To a time when i had never heard of Iraq or Osama Bin Laden.

My teenage daughter is in such a hurry to grow up, i wish i could make her understand that she needs to hold on to innocence and youth as long as possible before she starts to worry about insurance, rent, mortgages, pregnancy, motherhood, work, car payments, taxes, responsibility etc. She thinks her life is so fucking hard, but i would trade places with her in a second. My son is always walking around complaining he is bored......we live on 300 hundred acres of woods, ponds, streams and pasture. When I was his age i would have been in heaven i could keep myself busy all day with a rock and a stick. I would invade foreign kingdoms, I was the great white hunter, i was king of my own castle. The kids today are so over stimulated with TV, the Internet, Video games, that they don't know their asses from a hole in the ground and none of them seem to have an imagination. life gets easier my ass!

I want to go back to 1979!

Later...

Ok I have been "Simpsonized"

I saw this add someplace where you insert a picture of yourself into a image generator and it spits out a "Simpson's" version of you. I was curious and bored so here is mine...lol Actually it is not a bad likeness all and all...

Later...

Someone Left the Faucet Running

Mad Scribblings,
epileptic typing in secret journals,
and public forums,
Erupt and blister,
in my heart and on my mind.

Minor league monsters,
shadows of real life,
strut and perform,
for my skull bound audience of ghosts,
Making way for the Grand Guignol.

Shattered stones,
ruins of the past,
dot the landscape,
of my burrowed flesh.
Vast subdivisions,
cracks in the foundations,
lost in a private reverie.

Love is a poison,
it makes the mind and the muscles ache.
Emptiness grows,
becoming a void.
It couldn't last,
its, gone.

No language, no meaning,
wishing we didn't hurt,
wishing i had never met you.

Forgive me,
one more time.
The emptiness
i can't do this again...

Later...

Life Sucks!

I feel hollow, lonely, sad, isolated, angry, unloved, and unappreciated....I might actually end it if i had the balls. I don't however, and nobody would care one way or the other, and that is probably what hurts most. There would be nobody to cry at my funeral, nobody to laugh, nobody to piss on my grave, in essence no one would notice if i just simply vanished...

My daughter told me today she wishes that i would get in a wreck and die....said she hates me....funny thing is i love her and wish her well although i believe her to be doomed. I wish i could give her a hug and take all her pain away and make the world better but i can't because i see the world the same way she does a giant shit hole that sucks the life and marrow out of all of us.

I love my wife more that i have ever loved any woman including my mother, but i also hate her. I thought she was different that all the other women that have come into my life..in many ways she is but in many ways she is much worse. We argued today about moving to a new place to start over as our daughter has gotten into so much trouble here. Its not that i don't want to move but moving won't help the problem just postpone it....and because of her past experiences in life she can't or won't see that. Not to mention I'm almost 40 and been dragged all over the world by my Father and his jobs....she just wants to dump everything and run and i refuse to start from scratch again simply because....I think our marraige is over, the pieces are too small and to broken to put back together again

I'm writing again and that is NEVER a good thing...

It means I'm having a episode.....they make me creative, artistic, and productive at the cost of everyone around me, i think i belong locked away behind safe soft padded walls or alone in the woods...

I wish i could say something to you both,
but where would i start?
I don't know what happened to us,
we were happy once.
you guys were my world,
i lived in your smiles and laughter,
you all swam in my veins.

I fell from grace in your eyes and hearts,
not until i hit bottom,
did i realize how far that really was,
i'm a sad lonely Little excuse for a man.

The men who did those horrible things to you,
was someone else,
not me...
but i have always paid the price.

I wanted something else for you, for me,
but, apparently i'm unworthy.
i still want these things,
but they remain out of reach,
and probably always will for me...

later hopefully...