At it again

My Daughter has been gone the last two weeks to visit her grandmother and give us all some breathing room. Those two weeks were pretty damn good, quiet peaceful not perfect but good. My son and i spent some good quality time together playing games watching movies, shooting his BB gun, and working in the snake room etc. She has been home exactly one day and everybody in the house is bent out of shape. My Son now complains of headaches and won't sleep, my wife is on edge and once again if the goddamn universe doesn't revolve around her everybody has to be punished for it. Its not all her fault to be fair but she pushes every goddamn button we all have. My wife takes the biggest beating as she is the one everybody attacks and gives shit to, as she tries to placate everyone and hold it all together when no one else wants it to work. My daughter went and bought a cell phone today and because we couldn't get it to work properly (keep in mind it is Sunday and we registered it on line) she has to go off on everyone in the house. Now i realize i'm being selfish (not) but all i wanted was a fucking hour of time at some point this weekend to have a little one on one adult time with the wife. But she is so stressed, tired, and so worn out and drained from all the bullshit that she has nothing left for me which means sex NEVER EVER happens anymore which makes me Oh so Happy.......And when i do manage to get a little time it is usually quick, hurried, chaotic, rushed and on the whole emotionally unsatisfying or as she puts it "it's work its a job" So we fight which make it oh so much better. I'm told to communicate my feelings but when i do i get yelled at for being a selfish prick, and when i don't I'm an asshole for not trying......

We work different shifts so we pass each other all week.....we get about 40 minutes a week together in 10 minute increments, until the weekend gets here.....so when Saturday rolls around i'm ready as i have been waiting for this all week, in fact i have built it up to the point that it is all I'm looking forward to and i think of nothing else. Then guess what happens? NOTHING as she has already made plans for the entire fucking weekend that don't involve.....yep you guessed it "No Sex"

I'm not in it for the orgasm or the physical release alone, if that's all i wanted i would just jerk off. I want the closeness and the emotional contact that comes with a prolonged session with the wife, not a "Pity Quickie"

As of late i feel dead and cold inside...or I'm an emotional wreck no in-between at all

I don't want to fight but i feel like i have to...if i do I'm an ass if i don't i'm a jerk

Lost, blind, empty, used up, secrets thought i swallow and hide

but i'm just an asshole that is supposed to sit and the corner not participate in his own life and graciously accept the scraps that are thrown my way with a smile...

I'm almost 40 i don't want to start over but i can't continue to feel like this anymore

no one should feel useless, and unloved and unwanted but i do, and i don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get back to where i was, where we were when we were happy, I'm not sure we can, I'm not sure we are even the same people

for now i'm a leaf blowing where the winds takes me...

My dad called yesterday to talk about a job opportunity in Washington state which started huge drama once again in the house.....I may go even if they don't

Listening to Danzig which she hates but his music reflects my mood and it helped me through some pretty dark times in the past....

I think about suicide a lot these days...

I'm ranting and i need to throw up....

Later...