Cold

I'm beginning to understand my father just a little.....I never could figure out why he never wanted to come home from work and now i think i know why. He wasn't important at home. What i mean by that is the house ran without him. Mom did the house work, i mowed the lawn and took out the trash and fed the dogs, my siblings had their own chores etc. in essence all he was required to do was bring home a paycheck and do the occasional "honey do". At work he was important, he mattered, he had a purpose and a function. Sometimes i would go for a week or so and never see him. I never understood why he got upset when we all went to do our things...and now i know, he was never included or asked to be included because we all assumed he would be working. He wanted to do things with us but by that time we had all made plans which obviously didn't include him because he was at work!

well now i'm wearing that same hat...shit happens around here and i don't find out about it until after its happened...when i am home I'm in the way here because they have their activities already planned. And they can't seem to understand why i get upset when these plans don't fit around my schedule....they simply just don't consider me as important. My son threw a hissy fit today because i asked him to get off the computer so i could check my e-mail and bank account before i had to go to work...he had the entire rest of the day to play his video games....but because i interrupted his schedule he became upset, i ended up having to spank him and ground him from the computer....when all i needed was 15 minutes.....great way to start my day....but its just an example...my dughter is at that age where she never wants to be home which is fine i suppose, except she expects me to drop everything i'm doing on my days off to be a taxi driver and cater to her every whim, forget the fact that i'm at home doing shit nobody else would do while i was at work, including her chores which she didn't bother to do before she left.

I only get to see my wife about 20 to 25 hours a week and she dosen't seem to understand why i get bent out of shape when she makes plans to do other things during the only time i get to see her...apparently she doesn't feel the same way about me that i do about her. Apparently i'm not supposed to have feelings, wants, wishes, desires, or opinions on anything in their lives and when i happen to voice one i'm instantly an asshole. Simply because i wasn't here i'm not supposed to become involved in discipline or anything else around the house except laundry, dishes, paying the bills, or driving friends home.

no one should feel like i feel now, i wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone. I feel invisible, unimportant, unwanted, and useless. It sucks, i guess i'm doomed to be my father.... work myself to death and have nothing to show for it. He now spends his time off sitting in his easy chair in front of the television with a diet caffeine free Dr. Pepper (high blood pressure) in one hand and a cigar in the other being ignored. I don't go to visit him very often as i don't feel comfortable talking to him we are just to far apart now but apparently have much more in common than i thought.

I don't know why i write this shit nobody reads it and nobody cares. If i didn't come home how long would it take before they noticed? they don't seem to miss me now would they notice at all?
oh well....at least they miss me at work...when i'm not there the shit piles up...they notice that.