Been a weird month overall....I sold most of my snakes to a guy in Florida, I was both happy and very sad to see them go. My Grandmother passed away last week, i took a few day off work to go to the funeral. It was very unnerving and a little surreal...I found myself actually getting angry during the funeral mass. Niki says it's simply one of the stages of grief but i think it was more than that, i was angry about being back in church. I found myself looking at the stations of the cross, and the statues of saints, and wanting to knock them down and pull them from the walls. My Brother flew in from Kentucky, we had to pick him up at the airport. I have decided that i hate airports...i used to like them...
Things have been fairly quiet around the house, not perfect but better. Niki is still acting odd, and she still feels different....She says she loves me, but it sounds empty, and a bit like a lie when she says it. When i look at her sometimes i wonder what happened to the woman i married. She used to remind me of Veronica Lake, sexy, glamorous, elegant, now her face seems marred by the perpetual pout of her mouth and the tight lines that have appeared around her eyes, it's there all the time now, where there used to be light and laughter. Sometimes it hurts me to look at her. I have to admit to being pretty sour company myself. I feel bloated, run down and tired all the time I can't seem to do anything but worry these days, so i try to escape through music...i play and i teach Tyler to play his drums. I spend entirely too much time on Talk Bass.com.
i don't think i have lived up to my wife's dreams of life, a sadness seems to have crept into her, she seems to have lost her fire, her hope, and her once beautiful heart. I know her faith in me and us has died i see it, i hear it, and i feel it everyday. I have turned into bad company because of the sourness that seems to radiate from her.
i want to love her so badly, hell i would even settle for like at this point, but she does not make it easy. It's the same with Ashley....I can see that inside something is twisting her up, making her bitter, angry, and sour like her mother...she obviously in pain....they seem to feed off of one another, making each other worse with each exchange. It's obvious that the drugs, and the counseling are not helping. We all got in a wicked fight tonight over her running up the cell bill an extra thirty dollars....Normally it wouldn't be that big of a deal but with work being slow my checks have been short and i need every penny literally every penny...when i tried to explain this to her it turned into a major drama production...the usual I'm packing my shit blah blah blah, fuck you etc. And somehow its all my fault for even bringing it up even though its obvious that she is responsible..this is something that Niki and I fight about constantly i think she seriously needs to learn that there are consequences for actions....but....I'm not allowed to participate in my own life or family issues or I'm an asshole...and if i don't get involved or seem to care I'm an asshole as well. The worst part is as a Daddy I'm supposed to make the worlds a better place for my little girl, but instead her world seems to worse because I'm in it...do you have any idea how bad it hurts to see your child in pain and you can't do a damn thing about it but get angry with her.....why is he like this did i do this? why is she so full of hatred and anger...why does she lash out and hurt the ones that actually give a shit.....I sometimes wish that she would do something really bad so i can have an excuse to lock her up.
I want to go slip out of my clothes and climb into bed with my wife, and feel the warmth of her shoulders and hips press against me, but apparently I'm an asshole for wanting to have sex with my wife as well...how dare I? I still lust after her and it seems she could give a flying rats ass that I'm even alive.... Lately i just feel anger towards her, as it seems I'm the only one who tries, and I'm always the one to apologize, even when i have done nothing wrong, and more than often even when I'm right. There was a time that we could not keep our hands off of each other and couldn't go more than a few minutes without touching or hugging, or kissing. Now she won't even kiss me unless i make an issue of it. I feel like we are two cars going in opposite directions down the street occasionally we pass each other but we really just travel in circles getting nowhere fast. I used to worship and adore her...i still adore her, she stirs emotions and feelings in me that no other woman ever has....but right this second i want to pack my clothes throw them in my truck and just keep driving until i hit an ocean. But..... running away never solves anything, i know because i have done it all my life. If it were not for my son Tyler (he currently is my reason for getting out of bed each day) I'm fairly sure i would have been gone already. I love that little boy, i want to see him grow up and spread his wings and accomplish all the things he wants to do...i even hope that somewhere along the way he will remember one of those moments that he and i shared a look back fondly on it,..... like i do from time to time about my dad.
I'm so confused and hurt and angry and I'm really at a loss...i have no idea what to do next,... if anything....i just want to slip off into the deeper, richer darkness and never wake up...
I've decided i like to sleep...its much better than being told your a lousy husband, father, and human being...
Later...
