Life Lifts Its Ugly Head!

Been a weird month overall....I sold most of my snakes to a guy in Florida, I was both happy and very sad to see them go. My Grandmother passed away last week, i took a few day off work to go to the funeral. It was very unnerving and a little surreal...I found myself actually getting angry during the funeral mass. Niki says it's simply one of the stages of grief but i think it was more than that, i was angry about being back in church. I found myself looking at the stations of the cross, and the statues of saints, and wanting to knock them down and pull them from the walls. My Brother flew in from Kentucky, we had to pick him up at the airport. I have decided that i hate airports...i used to like them...

Things have been fairly quiet around the house, not perfect but better. Niki is still acting odd, and she still feels different....She says she loves me, but it sounds empty, and a bit like a lie when she says it. When i look at her sometimes i wonder what happened to the woman i married. She used to remind me of Veronica Lake, sexy, glamorous, elegant, now her face seems marred by the perpetual pout of her mouth and the tight lines that have appeared around her eyes, it's there all the time now, where there used to be light and laughter. Sometimes it hurts me to look at her. I have to admit to being pretty sour company myself. I feel bloated, run down and tired all the time I can't seem to do anything but worry these days, so i try to escape through music...i play and i teach Tyler to play his drums. I spend entirely too much time on Talk Bass.com.
i don't think i have lived up to my wife's dreams of life, a sadness seems to have crept into her, she seems to have lost her fire, her hope, and her once beautiful heart. I know her faith in me and us has died i see it, i hear it, and i feel it everyday. I have turned into bad company because of the sourness that seems to radiate from her.
i want to love her so badly, hell i would even settle for like at this point, but she does not make it easy. It's the same with Ashley....I can see that inside something is twisting her up, making her bitter, angry, and sour like her mother...she obviously in pain....they seem to feed off of one another, making each other worse with each exchange. It's obvious that the drugs, and the counseling are not helping. We all got in a wicked fight tonight over her running up the cell bill an extra thirty dollars....Normally it wouldn't be that big of a deal but with work being slow my checks have been short and i need every penny literally every penny...when i tried to explain this to her it turned into a major drama production...the usual I'm packing my shit blah blah blah, fuck you etc. And somehow its all my fault for even bringing it up even though its obvious that she is responsible..this is something that Niki and I fight about constantly i think she seriously needs to learn that there are consequences for actions....but....I'm not allowed to participate in my own life or family issues or I'm an asshole...and if i don't get involved or seem to care I'm an asshole as well. The worst part is as a Daddy I'm supposed to make the worlds a better place for my little girl, but instead her world seems to worse because I'm in it...do you have any idea how bad it hurts to see your child in pain and you can't do a damn thing about it but get angry with her.....why is he like this did i do this? why is she so full of hatred and anger...why does she lash out and hurt the ones that actually give a shit.....I sometimes wish that she would do something really bad so i can have an excuse to lock her up.

I want to go slip out of my clothes and climb into bed with my wife, and feel the warmth of her shoulders and hips press against me, but apparently I'm an asshole for wanting to have sex with my wife as well...how dare I? I still lust after her and it seems she could give a flying rats ass that I'm even alive.... Lately i just feel anger towards her, as it seems I'm the only one who tries, and I'm always the one to apologize, even when i have done nothing wrong, and more than often even when I'm right. There was a time that we could not keep our hands off of each other and couldn't go more than a few minutes without touching or hugging, or kissing. Now she won't even kiss me unless i make an issue of it. I feel like we are two cars going in opposite directions down the street occasionally we pass each other but we really just travel in circles getting nowhere fast. I used to worship and adore her...i still adore her, she stirs emotions and feelings in me that no other woman ever has....but right this second i want to pack my clothes throw them in my truck and just keep driving until i hit an ocean. But..... running away never solves anything, i know because i have done it all my life. If it were not for my son Tyler (he currently is my reason for getting out of bed each day) I'm fairly sure i would have been gone already. I love that little boy, i want to see him grow up and spread his wings and accomplish all the things he wants to do...i even hope that somewhere along the way he will remember one of those moments that he and i shared a look back fondly on it,..... like i do from time to time about my dad.

I'm so confused and hurt and angry and I'm really at a loss...i have no idea what to do next,... if anything....i just want to slip off into the deeper, richer darkness and never wake up...

I've decided i like to sleep...its much better than being told your a lousy husband, father, and human being...

Later...

Bass It Does A Booty Good III

Well as some of you know i picked up the Bass again after a very long pause.....I have been frustrated with it as all i have had to play on has been a very small combo amp. Well they say Patience is a virtue and that has proven to be true....I picked up this used amp and 4 x 10 cab last weekend, for rougly half of what a new one would have cost me (not to mention the head is vintage 80's...lol). While it is not my "Dream Rig" it more than meets my current needs and wants. As my playing warrants i will eventually pick up a 15" cab to add to the bottom end and a pre-amp to give me a better range of tones. Also eventually i plan to pick up a "passive" bass so that i can have two distinct sounds, as well as have them tuned differently to avoid having to tune up or down from song to song. But for now I am having a blast rattling the windows.....lol

The Wife Gets Inked!!

My wife went down to the local tattoo parlor and had herself inked.....She chose this particular design in memory of her father, who had a very similar tattoo on his arm. She had it done on his birthday, this was a very big deal for her, and I admire her for her dedication and resolve. I wanted to hold her hand and be there for it but i had to leave for work before it was finished. She seems to be in a better frame of mind since she had it done. I hope it has helped her to find some sort of solace with the world.

December

Well it's been well over a month since i have posted to my own blog....there are several reasons for this....First and foremost my wife said that it was embarrassing because members of her family read my posts......second even though i have been seriously depressed, pissed, and generally bent out of shape on a huge range of topics i just haven't felt like going through the process of booting up the computer logging in and typing about how i feel...instead i have been playing bass.....playing badly mind you but playing none the less...

I have been gassing lately over new gear. I currently just have a practice rig...very small and very farty sounding drives me nuts. However I am very short on cash so as a result I will be selling off my snakes to fund new gear. Not to mention no one in the house will lift a finger to help me clean, feed or take care of the snakes in general, they won't even turn off their freaking lights at night....

The wife is pissed...so what else is new i can't seem to do anything right no matter what, i can't seem to say anything right no matter what, and apparently i can't make a decent decision no matter what.....I'm beyond caring at this point....playing bass at this point is the only bright spot i have left in my life, and if i want to spend $500.00 bucks on what she call frivolous crap then so be it it makes me happy at the moment. She seems to think I'm regressing into some kind of second childhood, or having a mid-life crisis maybe i am, but what else am i supposed to do when no one gives a rat's ass if your in the house or not? or cares that you have opinions, or ideas, or feelings? i mean seriously I'm not looking to ourchase a 2000 watt rig of doom, but it would be nice to actually hear myself and play a gig with other musicians without being laughed at....

She also gets mad at me for spending so much time over at www.talkbass.com, but you know what? The community over there actually cares that I'm a part and actually acknowledges the contributions i make to the forum....I sure as hell don't get that at home.

oh well hopefully the kids will be enthusiastic about the gifts i got them this year and will acknowledge me for 30 seconds or so...

Merry Christmas, Yule, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Bodi Day...etc.....

Place to Be

Most of the time i feel like life just passes me by. Its almost like i'm sitting next to a production line watching the widgets go by...i'm supposed to pull the bad ones off but i just can't seem to get motivated enough to do it. I feel like a stranger in my own life most of the time....

On occasion i have these moments when i actually feel alive, like the universe suddenly told me this is where i am supposed to be and this is what i am supposed to be doing....I had one of those moments the day i married Nicole, i have them from time to time in her arms........yesterday i had one with my son Tyler.

Yesterday i took an old bicycle down off the rack and fixed it up, we went to town aired up the tires, went to the store, and then to the rental place to score a few DVD's....When we got home we played a few video games, had lunch and then we went out into the yard where for the first time in many years (I used to race BMX many many years ago) I climbed on to a bicycle i was a little wobbly at first but after a few minutes i has doing kick outs, bunny hops, popping wheelies (Not bad of an old fat man pushing 40), and finally jumping off the end of a ramp. I taught my boy a few tricks on his bike while i was at it....he seemed to enjoy the day...which we ended playing Frisbee and watching a movie....well that and seeing Bigfoot....but that is another story......lol

And although i'm paying for it today I had one of those moments...where i felt i was in the right place doing what i'm supposed to be doing....

Later...

Surreal

I got up in front of a bunch of perfect strangers today and told my whole life story in just under an hour. Afterwards a man came up to me and told me that my story had helped him, as he was experiencing many of the same things that i did. It was odd to discover that someone else out there in the real world is going through or has gone through some of the same things that i did. It made feel connected in a way that i never have before....It never occurred to me that at the same moment somewhere in the world somebody was looking in the mirror at themselves and trying to make the same decisions that i was, having the same exact emotion, and asking the same exact questions.....until today i had always felt that i was alone in those small moments, nothing but a drop of water in an endless ocean.

Later in the day i went to the store and bought myself a new pair of shoes. I didn't need them but i have been looking at them off and on for a few months, they lowered the price on them and i figured what the hell...When i put them on, i thought they looked kind of silly but they made me feel like a kid again.....i wore them all day until my wife got home and asked me what was i wearing on my feet, and then i just felt stupid.

She works hard and we take her for granted most of the time around the house so i wanted to be nice. When i was at the store, i picked her up some junk food, made dinner, did the dishes, bought kitty litter and changed the cat box, and folded and put away the laundry that she washed and dried. She really hurt my feeling by making a big deal out of it by walking around the house pretending to have a heart attack and actually marking it down on the calendar. Why is it the people we love the most seem to be able to hurt us like no one else?

I rented a movie called Mr. Brooks...and while I'm not a big Kevin Costner fan i have to say that this is quite possibly his best movie role since Dances with Wolves. The plot is a bit convoluted and wonderfully twisted, I had to watch it twice, as it made me smile.

I have felt very strange and energized most of the day but not so much as i do now alone in the dark in front of this screen watching TV by myself and typing....

I'm going to eat some gumbo now....

Later...

Once Again...

Once again I'm the asshole.......My wife and i had a huge argument yet again today....

Her dad died a few months back, she is having a very hard time dealing with his passing...in fact she won't seem to get passed the denial stage. Everything around here has gone to hell, the family is barely hanging on by a thread. This morning after not acknowledging me for almost two weeks invited me to get into the shower with her, i wasn't expecting a whole hell of a lot as lately this is a very big deal. As we finished actually getting clean she asked me if i wanted shower nookie. Now keep in mind this means a quickie while standing up in the shower....i should have just taken it and shut up, but i didn't i turned it down as i wanted something more meaningful and less cheap. I have tried in vain our whole marriage to explain what sex means to me, but she just refuses to get it, or simply does not believe me. I can't speak for other men just myself, but sex for me is a way to connect on more than just a physical level...for me all of my emotions are tied up in the act, for me its a way to tell her that i find her attractive,that she is the hottest and most ardent woman on the planet, that at this very moment nothing in this world or any other world is more important than she is, that at this moment we are sharing something together in a way that no two other people can, that its just us away from everybody and everything, no bills, no kids, no work, just us. I always make sure she has a couple of orgasms before i even attempt to get one myself. Part of that is for selfish reasons, as it makes me feel powerful and important, but for the most part it is for her. In fact quite often, i could give her several orgasms, and be satisfied, and not have to get one myself. No one but me has any idea how beautiful and how amazing she is in the midst of letting everything go, i miss that more than anything....

It all comes down to what kind of people we are i guess....If my dad had died i would want to celebrate life and live every moment for all it was worth. She has simply given up on everything, and finds joy in nothing especially me and our relationship. Its like being married to your imaginary playmate.....its all one sided, and apparently wanting to take part in my own marriage makes me a selfish asshole. Sure this is all one sided your only getting my side of the story, but this is my blog and this is how i feel. I try to explain it to her and try to make her understand that these are my feelings ....if they are true or not!..... it is how i feel. She can't or won't wrap her head around it. To her I'm just some jackass that gets mad and stomps around like a small child when i don't get what i want. Its not about getting what i want, its a bout getting what i need to make it through life day to day. I need validation that I'm important, i need to feel loved and needed, i need to feel that she actually wants me around......and right now i don't get any of that....I'm just some guy who lives here and pays bills....what is the point of being married if we don't act or behave or spend time like other married couples? If i leave I'm an asshole.....with no emotion or feelings or understanding. If i stay I'm a lonely twisted shell of my former self.....I'm almost 40 and I'm scared that one day i will wake up and realize that i wasted what little time i have left waiting for her to realize that she has a life, and people that care for her, and people that need her. What hurts more than anything is that I can't help her at all in any way shape or form...i just seem to make things worse. All my joy is gone.....

She is not the only one having a hard time dealing with life....and until recently she was my therapy, and no i have no one and nothing to turn to, but I'm an insensitive asshole if i tell her that

My life really sucks.....

And for the first time in my adult life i really have no idea what to do next.

Later...

Sad but True...

Came across this on the web thought it was too humorous not to re-post, as well as so freaking true...

Later...

Life Continues to Suck...

Well I started training in a new area at work...I go in later and come home later...which means i get to bed later and wake up later than i used to. My wife and I work opposite shifts and between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. during the week is the ONLY time we get to spend together. Unfortunately that's also the time she does most of her errands and crap as she works weekends and has the kids everyday after 3:00 p.m. and running errands with two children who don't want to be there running errands is a major pain in the ass...I get it. Now we both have things that need to be done....the difference is a push mine off till the weekends and even then if i can't get them done while she is at work, i do them at night after everyone else has gone to bed. I fear that this dual mode life is putting a undue amount of strain on our already fragile relationship. I'm tired of begging for her time and attention and in her own words..."I'm not high on her list of priorities" I'm almost 40 and i should not have to compete with the TV, the computer, and erroneous errands. Every time I want to have sex its always an excuse of some sort. Her dad just died a few months back too soon and very unexpectedly. She is obviously depressed and she has given up on a great many things, I am now depressed because she is depressed and it does not make for a good combination. She has no joy in her life thus i have no joy in mine...it has become very tedious to get out of bed each day and go to a job i hate. What is the point in working hard and paying bills when i have nothing to show for it other than bills? I love her very much, but i'm very tired of seemingly being the only one who is trying....throw an insane angry teenager daughter into the mix who hates everybody and everything in her life (especially me apparently) and i can't win....she always takes her daughters side no matter what, i'm always the asshole, i'm always the bad guy, i'm always the one that is wrong.....

we don't talk about the future much anymore, in fact we don't much of anything but pass each other and argue, i cry in the shower, i cry on the way to work, i'm crying now....

Tired and uninspired
as of late
i frequently contemplate my navel
and its many virtues

recently i was
warned to remember
time flies
and Death comes to visit us all

One of the many reasons
not to take life seriously
or maybe a reason to fight
who knows
certainly not me

Love laugh
and be happy

somebody should...

I feel alone in the universe...unwanted...unloved....and not needed
no one should feel this way ever....

don't know why i bother other than to keep track of my thoughts and vent since no one else listens, no one reads, and no one cares....

Later...

Shitty Weekend...

You ever have one of those days, or weeks where you don't feel like you are a part of your own life? I'm sitting here watching cheesy movies on TV and i look around and wonder who this guy is and how he got here, it's almost like I'm sitting next to myself watching myself perform this mechanical set or pre-programmed actions and wondering what the fuck? I hate me job, I have to beg my wife for sex, my children seem to hate my guts, they remind me on a daily basis that I'm not their real father in the most vicious and horrible ways. Overall nobody seems to give a shit if I'm here at all. I feel invisible most of the time, like a piece of furniture that no one notices unless it's in the way or needs dusting (or in my case when they want to blame somebody or something for the crap in their little world that goes wrong) No one listens to anything that comes out of my mouth, i talk but no one hears the words. I can't talk to my wife at all, when i try she negates all of my feelings and makes feel stupid for even opening my mouth. I can't talk to my dad he has given up on life and relishes the pre-programmed routines he lives to work because there he is needed and wanted at least. I can't talk to my Mother she she has been lost in her own little world for many many years and keeping herself somewhat sane with her little craft and home projects. My brother has crawled into the bottle to deal with his demons, and i don't think he will ever crawl out. I used to have things that would take way the pain...My writing, my music, my wife, my snakes, my art, but none of those things work anymore....i eat all the time now and get disgusted with myself when i look in the mirror, which only adds to my unhappiness. I feel completely alone in a world surrounded by people. Its almost like there are two worlds that overlap one another and I'm trapped in one and everyone else is in the other, and i can see then, i can hear them but they can't see or hear me. I used to think that most people were cattle just going along but now i think that it is me that has died somewhere inside and the only spark of me that is left is trapped in a cage buried deep deep inside someplace.

Stevie said sometimes life is a bitch and sometimes it a breeze

well tonight its a bitch from hell...

Later...

Bass...it Does a Booty Good!

Well the bass finally got here and all i can say is that it is better than i expected it to be...My son and I had our first official "jam" session and he even learned a new drum pattern. On another note I have this odd habit of wandering into every used book store, office supply or art supply/hobby store i come across. Its almost as if it is encoded in my DNA..... no matter how hard i try to resist i find myself walking into them anyway...awhile back i wandered into a used book store that just opened up down the road from me and while trying to help my son locate a couple of "Goosebumps", and "Choose your own Adventure" books, i came across Norton Justers "Phantom Tollbooth"...i had forgotten about this book for many many years, but as i thumbed through it Milo's adventures all came rushing back. The book has probably been forgotten by many people over the last 4o years, kind of like L. Frank Baums' Oz Books (of which there were 13 you would be suprised how many people don't know that!!!) or Maurice Sendaks books....but if you have children this is worth finding and reading it to them...Somewhere out there is an animated version done by Chuck Jones (the guy who directed many many Bugs Bunny cartoons) I think i read somewhere that they were going to put it on DVD soon. For some odd reason i didn't purchase the book, but my wife did go back and buy it for me after i told her about it (she is such a good honey most of the time) I have started to re-live moments from my childhood again by reading this book, i can almost smell my grandmothers house again....



I also joined a Bass Players forum http://www.talkbass.com/ you might want to check it out just for shits and giggles...



Later...

Botom End!

Been a while since i have written anything here....just a quick update.....it's been a strange few weeks to say the least....I have decided that i missed playing bass, so i bought a new one along with a small practice amp and a small inexpensive multiple effects board. I chose the ESP F- Series based on design, price, performance, and materials. The ESP F-104 bass not only looks nasty, but it's 35" scale and ESP-designed SB-4 pickups with active EQ lend themselves especially well to crushing, de-tuned sounds. i can tune to D or C with heavy strings or string up B-E-A-D for brutal low end. Has a wildly sculpted body, bolt-on maple neck, rosewood fingerboard, fretboard inlays, 24 extra-jumbo frets, and black hardware plus i added a set of black strings...it arrives via UPS today i'm chomping at the bit. My Son Tyler is chomping to as he wants to jam on his drums along with me....now if we can just get mom to play guitar we will have it made...lol

Later...

At it again

My Daughter has been gone the last two weeks to visit her grandmother and give us all some breathing room. Those two weeks were pretty damn good, quiet peaceful not perfect but good. My son and i spent some good quality time together playing games watching movies, shooting his BB gun, and working in the snake room etc. She has been home exactly one day and everybody in the house is bent out of shape. My Son now complains of headaches and won't sleep, my wife is on edge and once again if the goddamn universe doesn't revolve around her everybody has to be punished for it. Its not all her fault to be fair but she pushes every goddamn button we all have. My wife takes the biggest beating as she is the one everybody attacks and gives shit to, as she tries to placate everyone and hold it all together when no one else wants it to work. My daughter went and bought a cell phone today and because we couldn't get it to work properly (keep in mind it is Sunday and we registered it on line) she has to go off on everyone in the house. Now i realize i'm being selfish (not) but all i wanted was a fucking hour of time at some point this weekend to have a little one on one adult time with the wife. But she is so stressed, tired, and so worn out and drained from all the bullshit that she has nothing left for me which means sex NEVER EVER happens anymore which makes me Oh so Happy.......And when i do manage to get a little time it is usually quick, hurried, chaotic, rushed and on the whole emotionally unsatisfying or as she puts it "it's work its a job" So we fight which make it oh so much better. I'm told to communicate my feelings but when i do i get yelled at for being a selfish prick, and when i don't I'm an asshole for not trying......

We work different shifts so we pass each other all week.....we get about 40 minutes a week together in 10 minute increments, until the weekend gets here.....so when Saturday rolls around i'm ready as i have been waiting for this all week, in fact i have built it up to the point that it is all I'm looking forward to and i think of nothing else. Then guess what happens? NOTHING as she has already made plans for the entire fucking weekend that don't involve.....yep you guessed it "No Sex"

I'm not in it for the orgasm or the physical release alone, if that's all i wanted i would just jerk off. I want the closeness and the emotional contact that comes with a prolonged session with the wife, not a "Pity Quickie"

As of late i feel dead and cold inside...or I'm an emotional wreck no in-between at all

I don't want to fight but i feel like i have to...if i do I'm an ass if i don't i'm a jerk

Lost, blind, empty, used up, secrets thought i swallow and hide

but i'm just an asshole that is supposed to sit and the corner not participate in his own life and graciously accept the scraps that are thrown my way with a smile...

I'm almost 40 i don't want to start over but i can't continue to feel like this anymore

no one should feel useless, and unloved and unwanted but i do, and i don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to get back to where i was, where we were when we were happy, I'm not sure we can, I'm not sure we are even the same people

for now i'm a leaf blowing where the winds takes me...

My dad called yesterday to talk about a job opportunity in Washington state which started huge drama once again in the house.....I may go even if they don't

Listening to Danzig which she hates but his music reflects my mood and it helped me through some pretty dark times in the past....

I think about suicide a lot these days...

I'm ranting and i need to throw up....

Later...

Bullshit!

Lindsay Lohan reached a plea deal Thursday on misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges that calls for her to spend one day in jail, serve 10 days of community service and complete a drug treatment program.
She was also placed on 36 months probation, is required to complete an 18-month alcohol education program, pay hundreds of dollars in fines and must complete a three-day county coroner program in which she'll visit a morgue and talk to victims of drunken drivers and view dead bodies.

"She's getting what everyone else would get," Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers said after an hour long hearing in Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge H. Chester Horn Jr.'s courtroom. Terms of the plea bargain were worked out in chambers.

Lohan was charged earlier in the day with seven misdemeanors stemming from two drunken-driving arrests in the last four months.

Not to mention Nicole Ritchie serves a whopping 82 minutes on her sentence.....

had this been me i would have served 120 days in jail had my license taken away not to mention a hefty fine as well as community service and several years of probation

treated like everyone else my ass!!!

somebody got sucked, fucked, bribed, or all of the above!!

Life in General

I have never really understood why people get so bent out of shape over two things......religion and politics. Truth is all politicians are full of crap, they all sell out to some degree, they have to simply to get elected. We all need to focus on the overall basic "tenants" of the "belief" system of a particular party and not the particular skeletons in the closet of a particular candidate...ah if only it were that simple...lol As far as religion goes, very little in any organized religion or faith is truly original. Religions and faiths are not born from scratch. They grow and feed from one another. Modern religions are a Hodgepodge and a myriad collage of assimilated history. Simply stated religion or faith is a way for mankind to understand or feel closer to the divine. Every major christian holiday is stolen from various pagan traditions. and yet wars have been waged for thousands of years in the name of one god or another....

When I was a kid my grandfather always said life would get easier as i got older and i came to understand the world around me and my place in it. Well Grandpa, you were full of shit...i would love to go back to a time when the only thing i lived for was to play outside with my friends, to feel the sun on my face, my bicycle underneath me, and my dog at my side. To a time when i could leave the house at the ass crack of dawn and as long as i was home before the street lights came on i was golden and nobody worried. To a time when i had never heard of Iraq or Osama Bin Laden.

My teenage daughter is in such a hurry to grow up, i wish i could make her understand that she needs to hold on to innocence and youth as long as possible before she starts to worry about insurance, rent, mortgages, pregnancy, motherhood, work, car payments, taxes, responsibility etc. She thinks her life is so fucking hard, but i would trade places with her in a second. My son is always walking around complaining he is bored......we live on 300 hundred acres of woods, ponds, streams and pasture. When I was his age i would have been in heaven i could keep myself busy all day with a rock and a stick. I would invade foreign kingdoms, I was the great white hunter, i was king of my own castle. The kids today are so over stimulated with TV, the Internet, Video games, that they don't know their asses from a hole in the ground and none of them seem to have an imagination. life gets easier my ass!

I want to go back to 1979!

Later...

Ok I have been "Simpsonized"

I saw this add someplace where you insert a picture of yourself into a image generator and it spits out a "Simpson's" version of you. I was curious and bored so here is mine...lol Actually it is not a bad likeness all and all...

Later...

Someone Left the Faucet Running

Mad Scribblings,
epileptic typing in secret journals,
and public forums,
Erupt and blister,
in my heart and on my mind.

Minor league monsters,
shadows of real life,
strut and perform,
for my skull bound audience of ghosts,
Making way for the Grand Guignol.

Shattered stones,
ruins of the past,
dot the landscape,
of my burrowed flesh.
Vast subdivisions,
cracks in the foundations,
lost in a private reverie.

Love is a poison,
it makes the mind and the muscles ache.
Emptiness grows,
becoming a void.
It couldn't last,
its, gone.

No language, no meaning,
wishing we didn't hurt,
wishing i had never met you.

Forgive me,
one more time.
The emptiness
i can't do this again...

Later...

Life Sucks!

I feel hollow, lonely, sad, isolated, angry, unloved, and unappreciated....I might actually end it if i had the balls. I don't however, and nobody would care one way or the other, and that is probably what hurts most. There would be nobody to cry at my funeral, nobody to laugh, nobody to piss on my grave, in essence no one would notice if i just simply vanished...

My daughter told me today she wishes that i would get in a wreck and die....said she hates me....funny thing is i love her and wish her well although i believe her to be doomed. I wish i could give her a hug and take all her pain away and make the world better but i can't because i see the world the same way she does a giant shit hole that sucks the life and marrow out of all of us.

I love my wife more that i have ever loved any woman including my mother, but i also hate her. I thought she was different that all the other women that have come into my life..in many ways she is but in many ways she is much worse. We argued today about moving to a new place to start over as our daughter has gotten into so much trouble here. Its not that i don't want to move but moving won't help the problem just postpone it....and because of her past experiences in life she can't or won't see that. Not to mention I'm almost 40 and been dragged all over the world by my Father and his jobs....she just wants to dump everything and run and i refuse to start from scratch again simply because....I think our marraige is over, the pieces are too small and to broken to put back together again

I'm writing again and that is NEVER a good thing...

It means I'm having a episode.....they make me creative, artistic, and productive at the cost of everyone around me, i think i belong locked away behind safe soft padded walls or alone in the woods...

I wish i could say something to you both,
but where would i start?
I don't know what happened to us,
we were happy once.
you guys were my world,
i lived in your smiles and laughter,
you all swam in my veins.

I fell from grace in your eyes and hearts,
not until i hit bottom,
did i realize how far that really was,
i'm a sad lonely Little excuse for a man.

The men who did those horrible things to you,
was someone else,
not me...
but i have always paid the price.

I wanted something else for you, for me,
but, apparently i'm unworthy.
i still want these things,
but they remain out of reach,
and probably always will for me...

later hopefully...

As if We Don't Have Enough to Worry About in This World!

Ok well i thought somebody was yanking our collective chains until i read this:

http://athena.web.cern.ch/athena/

Scientists have known since 1918 that two kinds of matter were created during the big bang -matter and antimatter. These morons have actually built a reverse polarity vacuum to pull antimatter positrons out of an accelerator before they have a chance to decay. By applying a magnetic field and accelerating a particle beam through a jet of xenon gas they stripped away the electrons and trapped the antimatter in a field suspended between two intersecting magnetic fields. Now granted antimatter in theory is the perfect energy source 100% efficient, no byproducts no radiation no pollution a few grams could power New York city for a week, hell a sample the size of a grain of sand is equal to two hundred metric tons of fuel. Were are talking a 100% conversion of mass to photon energy (Star Trek photon torpedo's hello) a sample the size of a BB would yield more than five kilotons (a Kiloton is equal to 1,000 metric tons of TNT) meaning if it blow we are talking the blast radius of almost a mile. Imagine if some of the loonies out there get a hold of this technology? Can you say unmake the universe?

Something to ponder...

Later...

There Comes a Moment...

There comes a moment in your life when you wake up look around and realize that you don't own your things, in point of fact your things own you! (try going on vacation with a house full of animals). I'm not quite sure where it came from but one day a sign appeared in our guest bathroom that reads "Simplify" (I'm sure the wife bought it someplace and hung it up there but i have yet to ask her because for me it was just a little sign from the fates "no pun intended"). We spend out entire lives trying to accumulate stuff....a House, a Car, Big Screen TV, Computer, blah blah blah, etc. Then we are frustrated when things don't work correctly or from trying to keep them from getting broke, or freaking out when the air conditioner conks out....adding stress to our lives on top of the stress from work, and actual life (and for some of you that are saying to yourselves what stress? wait till you have teenagers...especially girls)....so i have decided recently to do just that....Simplify

(I think we would all live healthier happier more productive lives if we all went back to living like the indigenous peoples that used to dot this big blue marble called earth, but what do i know?)

Good luck all...


Later...